I've always wanted to have children..
Mar. 6th, 2002 08:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zyadaWhen I was a little girl, I told Mom I wanted 6 children. There are two things in life that I have always wanted that required the cooperation of someone else - marriage and children. I didn't want these thing because society dictated them - I always turned up my nose at the pressures of society. I don't know exactly why I wanted marriage, but I loved being married, so I was right to want that. I wanted children because I can't imagine anything more magical - to bring a life into the world, watch him or her go from a bundle of almost nothing to an adult with personality and intelligence, and have some hand in how he or she turns out.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I met John. I (subconsciously) didn't believe I could do much better. I was in love, then I had a relationship going. I was too tolerant of his problems. It took 4 years and relationship counselling to get him to agree to marriage. He knew I wanted children from when we first started dating. He knew that he had major problems with the idea of having children, but he would never stop and say "I won't have children" It was always
"I don't want to have children"
"Well, I want to have children so much, that I should find someone else then"
"Well, I'll have children then"
His therapist (who knew the sort of problems he tended to have) told him "Some men just have to accept having children if they want to keep their SO" That should have become part of therapy. Or he should have at least had a session to gauge the extent of the problem. Something.
We got married, lived in a horrid little house in a terrible nearly slum neighborhood. I didn't want to have a child there, plus I had surgery coming up. After I had the surgery I had to nearly blackmail him into finding a new house and moving. Much better house, much better neighborhood.
We got settled into the house, I got settled into a new job. We managed to pay off our house. I let time slip between my fingers.
My mother got breast cancer and survived.
I realized I had let time pass. It was time, it was past time to have children. I told my husband it was time.
He didn't want to have children. We didn't have enough money. We had a paid for house, two paid for cars and he had over $15,000 in the bank and we didn't have enough money for him to feel secure.
I told him to make up his mind - let's try for children or let me go so I can find someone who does want to have children. I didn't want to try to find someone else.
He had promised.
He asked me to give him a year. A year! Why didn't I negotiate?
He promised - after one year, we'll start trying.
My father died.
What am I doing with my life? So many years wasted just waiting for the weekend, the spring, work to be over, vacation.
Finally, finally! I go off birth control. Just take it easy, have fun.
Doesn't take the first month or the second month. Or the third month. We start arguing. I can tell that he's picking fights.
He can't handle it. He had managed to submerge his problems for a month or two, but when I didn't get pregnant right away they came back. He won't admit he doesn't want children, so he picks fights to keep from having sex. When I might have a good argument he calls me names. If I want to have a clean bathroom when guests come over, I'm neurotic.
I finally internalize something I've known for years. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I
don't want my children to be treated this way. It is unacceptable. I cannot change him. I cannot cajole or logic him into treating me right. He must decide, and all I can do is let him know that I consider his behavior unaccepable.
And so our marriage disintegrates. We stop having sex. We had sex last sometime in early december, because I am still daydreaming about having a baby for a christmas present.
I finally ask for a divorce Feb. 15th (the day after valentine's - cold, I know) To do so, I have to give up my dream of having children. At this point, I was 36, nearly 37. I only had a few more years to find someone compatible, marry and get pregnant. Still, I move out, get a divorce (rather quickly) and start looking around again. Hope springs eternal.
I feel like I've fucked up my life.
Someone tell me they read all this. I feel like I need someone to hear me.
I realized
When I was in my mid-twenties, I met John. I (subconsciously) didn't believe I could do much better. I was in love, then I had a relationship going. I was too tolerant of his problems. It took 4 years and relationship counselling to get him to agree to marriage. He knew I wanted children from when we first started dating. He knew that he had major problems with the idea of having children, but he would never stop and say "I won't have children" It was always
"I don't want to have children"
"Well, I want to have children so much, that I should find someone else then"
"Well, I'll have children then"
His therapist (who knew the sort of problems he tended to have) told him "Some men just have to accept having children if they want to keep their SO" That should have become part of therapy. Or he should have at least had a session to gauge the extent of the problem. Something.
We got married, lived in a horrid little house in a terrible nearly slum neighborhood. I didn't want to have a child there, plus I had surgery coming up. After I had the surgery I had to nearly blackmail him into finding a new house and moving. Much better house, much better neighborhood.
We got settled into the house, I got settled into a new job. We managed to pay off our house. I let time slip between my fingers.
My mother got breast cancer and survived.
I realized I had let time pass. It was time, it was past time to have children. I told my husband it was time.
He didn't want to have children. We didn't have enough money. We had a paid for house, two paid for cars and he had over $15,000 in the bank and we didn't have enough money for him to feel secure.
I told him to make up his mind - let's try for children or let me go so I can find someone who does want to have children. I didn't want to try to find someone else.
He had promised.
He asked me to give him a year. A year! Why didn't I negotiate?
He promised - after one year, we'll start trying.
My father died.
What am I doing with my life? So many years wasted just waiting for the weekend, the spring, work to be over, vacation.
Finally, finally! I go off birth control. Just take it easy, have fun.
Doesn't take the first month or the second month. Or the third month. We start arguing. I can tell that he's picking fights.
He can't handle it. He had managed to submerge his problems for a month or two, but when I didn't get pregnant right away they came back. He won't admit he doesn't want children, so he picks fights to keep from having sex. When I might have a good argument he calls me names. If I want to have a clean bathroom when guests come over, I'm neurotic.
I finally internalize something I've known for years. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I
don't want my children to be treated this way. It is unacceptable. I cannot change him. I cannot cajole or logic him into treating me right. He must decide, and all I can do is let him know that I consider his behavior unaccepable.
And so our marriage disintegrates. We stop having sex. We had sex last sometime in early december, because I am still daydreaming about having a baby for a christmas present.
I finally ask for a divorce Feb. 15th (the day after valentine's - cold, I know) To do so, I have to give up my dream of having children. At this point, I was 36, nearly 37. I only had a few more years to find someone compatible, marry and get pregnant. Still, I move out, get a divorce (rather quickly) and start looking around again. Hope springs eternal.
I feel like I've fucked up my life.
Someone tell me they read all this. I feel like I need someone to hear me.
I realized
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no subject
Date: 2002-03-06 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
I am so glad you and Bob are still together! Well, then, you can still dream about having a baby then. I don't recall how old you are but I am sure you are still of child bearing age. If so then think about the prospect if you two decide to shack up.
Oh I am so glad that Vegas turned out one happy couple!